***WARNING***
THIS BLOG IS TO HELP YOU SEE THE TRUTH ABOUT MOTHERHOOD AND IS NOT MEANT TO OVERWHELM YOU. IF AT ANY TIME YOU ARE FEELING OVERWHELMED, STOP READING AND COME BACK TO IT. THIS IS MEANT TO HELP YOU AS A MOTHER, NOT TO CAUSE ANXIETY OR STRESS. :)
~ This is such a perfect time in your life to ask what kind of Mother you want to be, what kind of family you want to raise, and how that should look! ~
New mother's need: Purpose. If we ask the questions above, we will find purpose and create order in our lives. Wala! It almost works like magic as we can see life correctly and are steered by principles that are timeless. (I'll explain what that means in a minute)
Our lives are so full of seemingly mundane day to day routines in caring for children, husband, laundry, meals, dishes, more caring for children, husband, laundry, meals dishes etc... We don't appear to be able to "get it all done". We feel like we are lucky just to get ANY sleep! No matter how many blogs or podcasts or posts or texts we receive we still keep asking the same questions over and over!!!! Ugh!! Is it really meant to be this hard??!!
This is a perfect time to decide what principles we will build our family life around. Think of these funny examples of how it would look to have random plans and purposes in our lives as a family...
What if a home builder didn't use blueprints to build our home. Even if they use great skill and craftmanship we wouldn't want to live in a home that didn't have a plan thought about before even preparing to build it. We couldn't trust the walls or roof to even stand or the plumbing to work for our needs! Even the foundation may be uneven and sloped to one side.
Now think about a pilot who doesn't have a flight plan. Even if the pilot had excellent skills, who would want to board that plane headed to who knows where or who knows if we'd even arrive!
The end results in both of these examples is not what we want when we enter a new home or board a plane to get to a destination. These seem funny to consider but ---really think about it----what happens when we decide to do the same random thing in our families? What if we just see what others do and copy that, will the end result be the same as the 2 crazy examples? What if we could learn what our family should become like, based on foundational principles and then act on that???? We could actually see life differently at home! We could accomplish the most important things for our unique family daily! We could find peace in how we mother our families, find joy in being a mother and we could find the kind of order needed for our individual & unique family!
Whew! That being said don't back away yet! Let me try to make this brief and understandable since you've come here for help and that is exactly what you will get! As you learn these principles you will not have to keep asking the same questions or feel so out of control or feel clueless! What you have been trying before, may have only lasted for so long and now the kids are in a new stage of life so it doesn't work any more, or COVID-19 happens, or life happens and you feel like saying, "I really DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A MOTHER!!" No worries, lasting help is now on the way as you allow your mind to read ahead......
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My mothering example:
I was raised in a home where I was the oldest of 8 children. I loved it! I also wanted to have 8 children. I babysat a lot for my family and for others, I was pretty sure that by the time I was 22 and had my first child that I knew what to do. Surprise! When they laid that adorable tiny infant in my arms I had a panicky feeling. "I'm not really sure what to do next!!", I cried. I loved having my own child but it truly was nerve wracking. I had all of these ideas about how a mother should care for her infant and how to play with them as they grew and how to do all the things it took to help their minds to absorb all of the things they HAVE to learn before they can even sit up!! Then came the sleepless nights and no one could help us figure out how to stop the 2 hour colic screams every night! I felt so alone in trying to figure out how to even leave my newborn while I took a shower!
I know that every mother goes through differing feelings and experiences but somehow we all want to know the same things. Usually the questions aren't just about how to burp our baby or how to tell if they are ill enough to take to the doctors.Our greatest questions lie in knowing how to even be a mother who is supposed to know it all and do it all!
My children who are now parents are asking the same questions I asked about how to teach this or teach that or how to solve this problem or that problem. The older I grow the more firmly I see the truth of what we all need to do as a FOUNDATION to build from. Here it is! Do you want to know what can be the answer to help us have the wonderful, loving, happy family we desire? The joy-filled life. The peace-filled life. The satisfying life we strive for as mothers.
The answers lie in these 7 principles I'll share them in a brief form. You may ask what is a principle? It is defined as a statement of truths that people set their beliefs on and make their decisions by. When we are looking for principles to live by, it is important to remember that "if it is a true principle" then it is true in many other areas of life. You can apply it in your nurturing children and it also applies when you work with people outside of your home or in your decisions for being physically fit. You can live a principle that is to help you deepen your testimony of God and it applies to your ability to vote well or educate yourself in history etc... You see, true principles are timeless and as a foundation they can help us to make wise purpose-filled decisions. Or they can help us prioritize our lives so that order will help us to have a home of peace in the midst of chaos.
I hope that is enough to help you be interested in why the following principles will answer your mothering questions. And I hope that you will choose to have long lasting results instead of short term relief.
(Also, if you are not a Christian this may not be what you want to hear, but I encourage you to read on. I will also be using some sources from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so if you don't recognize it, check their website)
Principle #1
Begin with the End in Mind
(Actually we've been discussing this one already) Remember the power of beginning with a blueprint for a home or a flight plan for a pilot? This is the principle that we need to use to choose what our own individual family should look like. Most of us don't have a clue what that is to look like or we don't even know where to start. But the truth is that we need to have a standard to measure all of our decisions by. We need the vision of what that looks like. We will show you where to start as we share the other principles, and we'll visit this idea again when we conclude.
Principle #2
Principles vs Strategies
We've been talking about this all along in this blog post. We need to live our lives by principle and not by all of the different strategies that we learn from the world. Principles prevent problems whereas strategies (we can find these all over the internet) tend to be only reactions to a problem. That's a powerful truth to learn and practice! Principles bring lasting change in us instead of the opposite which comes when we just ask for help and someone gives us advice that has worked for them - it may not be the right answer for our particular family. Follow the flow of the 7 principles here to understand this concept since this is supposed to be brief.
Principle #3
Become like God
(What does that look like?) This comes with character development and searching for qualities and attributes of Christ in the scriptures. (in the Preach My Gospel manual Chapter 6 there are attributes of Christ listed out with sources to draw understanding from). We can find them in the commandments God gives to us for guidelines, like the Beattitudes. Here are a few attributes to draw from, just choose one at a time for learning and practicing: Faithful, Hopeful, Loving, Compassionate, Knowledgeable, Intelligent, Patient, Kind, Humble, Diligent, Respectful, Obedient..... There are sooo many more! Choose what you feel you need to work on and be sure to be prayerful about it. You will know what to choose. Work on it for a month or a year or whatever it takes and see what can happen from one little step practiced over time, the change can be remarkable! What could you become in a lifetime of improving in one character trait per year? Then add these traits together and wow how much better of a person we can become. This is true for our family members as well.
Principle #4
Prayer and Study of God's Word
Daily guidance through prayer to God and studying His words through the Holy Prophets invites God into our day and gives us extra strength to work through our day. It shows God that we are willing to learn from Him and want to hear His words all day long. This is powerful when put into a daily routine and given some time so that God can teach us.
~ These first principles are focused on the internal part of you and are a necessary foundation to put your life in order - when the inside of us is in harmony so will the world outside of us be. The last few principles are connected with how we relate with the people in our world. This begins at home and is as powerful with all people. ~
Principle #5
Agency vs Force
When we allow children their agency to choose, we can teach/train them, which is what God does for us. He helps us know what to do so that we can be successful at walking, learning etc.. God's way is kind and allows room for mistakes. He train us through encouragement and trust and guidance. We learn from God that we can make choices and have natural consequences follow after we learn and then try what he has taught us. He continues to guide us if we allow Him to do so. Satan's way is to force us to do his will, he tells us what to do and demands that we do it and he criticizes/punishes us. Satan would yell at us and make us feel guilty for not doing well. He would make us follow his way and we wouldn't have any choice. He would control us and we wouldn't have any choice. When following this way we would all run away from his way of teaching. The same is true for working with our children and others.We want to teach and train not criticize and punish. This is the most effective way to create change at the core of a persons life. Which way would you choose, God's way or Satans?
Principle #6
Nurturing for Greater Independence
We nurture our children through many phases of life from 0-100 yr old! Watch how this flows: 0-3yrs Mother as a CAREGIVER (Mostly doing life together and for them in the beginning part 3-8 yrs. Mother as a TEACHER (1st we show them and do it with them as we'd do in a chore) 8-12 yrs Mother as a LEADER ( Child does a task while we are nearby to guide when needed) 12-18 yrs Mother as a MENTOR (Allow more independence while helping them think it thru...) 18+ yrs Mother as a FRIEND (We cheer them on, listen & only help when they ask for it)
Notice each phase allows for greater personal independence and shows that we trust them. This is how God works with us as well. He allows us to have weaknesses and encourages us when we fail. He helps us and corrects us if needed and guides us back on the path. We have greater independence as we stay connected to God all our lives.
Think Caregiver, Teacher, Leader, Mentor, Friend....
Principle #7
Personalities and Gifts
We are all different. No surprise there! It is not just valuable to understand others, but essential to learn about how other's think and act and why they are the way they are. Understanding some basic differences is powerful in letting us allow people (kids and husband) to be who they are internally and we can appreciate the gifts they bring to this earth. This helps us to work together in greater harmony instead of trying to get someone to think and act like we do.
We've read many many books on personalities, been to multiple seminars and after all of these years and hours of study we have concluded that these 2 books are our favorites for correctly seeing others: 1st Carol Tuttle's "The Child Whisperer" (great for depth and wholeness to each personality and the gifts they bring to this earth) 2nd Florence Littauer's, "Personality Plus" (short read for a basic understanding before reading book #1).
Here's a starting thought before you read either book. Choose one word that might describe you best at least 50 percent of the time: Are you more Outgoing or Reserved? Are you more People Oriented or Task Oriented? These 2 perspective questions can give you a point of reference to start your journey.
For a more SPECIFIC focus in knowing who you are personally (Mom!) I've written a book for moms because of how it helped me to first, see myself more clearly and second to learn to hear personal revelation from God to me about me; His daughter. I invite you to read either my teen version("Finding Your Individual Purpose: Free the Real You" by Penny Tapp) or the mother's version ("Finding Your Purpose: A guide to Open Up Your LIfe's Vision and Discover the Real You" by Penny H. Tapp). Both are found on Amazon. The Teen version is much more brief. The Mother's version is meant to be brief (we are busy people) but it has more explanation and causes you to think about what is being taught. These programs simplified my daily decisions for me and for my family as I saw clearly who I am, the gifts I brought to earth and my family's mission here on earth.
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Finally... Now we come back to the principle we 1st began with - Begin with the End in Mind. The version that we create of OUR ideal family will help us to grow the correct kind of order/function in our homes. Our decisions to let our kids or ourselves do hard things or to learn to deal well with all aspects of life (the ups and downs) will be simpler and more clear and meaningful as we focus singly in the right direction for our family.
So using the Principles listed here, your picture of your ideal family can become more clear as you learned through these principles and can begin to envision:
1.How to become like our Savior; Jesus Christ,2. invite God into our lives daily, 3.choose to always ask our questions about mothering by considering what principle might apply (instead of a strategy).
Then we'll create an even happier life as we see the outcome of learning to work well with people by allowing them to 4.learn through teaching and training instead of forcing, 5.through nurturing their independence and 6.learning who they really are (beginning with ourselves).
All of this will help us to see what qualities an ideal family should look like or be made up of. If we work through the principles prayerfully, God will help us to see what our family should be working towards. Then following the counsel of prophets and apostles we will know what our own totally unique family can do daily to become a Christ-like family. No two families are alike or need to travel the same journey to progress. Discover yours and know how to bring order - correctly - to your happy harmonious home as you live in a world that is always shifting and changing!
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PS: This is only a taste of what my daughter and I are putting together in a Mother's Course. As we complete it - not sure of all the ways we'll present it - we will post it here for anyone who is interested in a more fully developed vision of how and why to use these 7 principles more fully. We hope this has been a blessing to you and an answer to your prayers as it has been for us!
